Thursday, June 05, 2003

A Rivers Runs Through It

"I write maybe one song a week."
-- Rivers Cuomo in, January 22, 2002

"[Rivers] boots up an elaborate color-coded spreadsheet that catalogs all the songs he’s written in the past three and a half years. Scrolling down, he shows off the latest entry -- number 377."
-- Rolling Stone, June 20, 2002

If "Smile" made it onto the Green album, and "Burndt Jamb" made it onto Maladroit, the question begs: precisely how shitty are some of those 350 odd unrecorded tracks? For this world-exclusive blog posting, I interviewed Weezerjacks, did the Google thing, and sifted through Cuomo’s trash to find out. The result is an album comprised of nine putrid but (thankfully) unreleased tunes that represent the very best of the very worst of Weezer.

Catalog Number & Song Title: #48 (Season of the Sun)
Topic: Daylight savings time
In the style of: The Poppy Family / Terry Jacks
Sample lyric: "What to do with that extra hour? / Mow the lawn or tend the flowers? /
Write a song or kiss a girl? / Or find a better rhyme than world"

Catalog Number & Song Title: #102 (Song 102)
Topic: Tribute to Blur
In the style of: duh
Sample lyric: "Woo-hoo / when I feel heavy-metal / Woo-ee-oo / when I feel Damon Albarn / I don’t care what they say about us anyway / It’s not my problem"

Catalog Number & Song Title: #152 (Whoops)
Topic: Apology for Pinkerton
In the style of: Get Up Dashboard Eats Mouse World Promise Plan
Sample lyric: "I didn’t mean to jumpstart emo / Sorry for El Scorcho / If I could do it all again / I’d imitate Van Halen"

Catalog Number & Song Title: #160 (Purple Rhombus)
Topic: Falling in love with a geometry professor at Harvard
In the style of: Pink Triangle
Sample lyric: "She’s five sexy sides / to my bland four / I’m just a math rock student / lookin’ to score"

Catalog Number & Song Title: #183 (My Velouria)
Topic: Song about covering Velouria
In the style of: The Breeders
Sample lyric: "I sang a song / ahooh ahooh / I didn’t write / koo koo / I trampolined / ahooh ahooh / with all my might / koo koo / crash"

Catalog Number & Song Title: #198 (Hair Up)
Topic: Static cling
In the style of: The Shaggs
Sample lyric: "Rub me the wrong way / there will be sparks / I’m so happy when you use fabric softener / I’m so sad when you don’t but you’re still in my dreams and my pal foot foot said it’s Halloween"

Catalog Number & Song Title: #231 (Rubber Room)
Topic: Bouncing a Superball against a wall for a month
In the style of: Syd Barrett
Sample lyric: "I’ve got a ball / You can bounce it on a wall / I’ve got a cat / and he likes to pounce at rats"

Catalog Number & Song Title: #253.14159 (Grease of Mind)
Topic: George Foreman Grill
In the style of: AC/DC
Sample lyric: "It’s a fast machine / I keep the teflon clean / It’s the best damn griddle / I have ever seen"

Catalog Number & Song Title: #355 (Better Than Others)
Topic: How song #355 is better than song #354
In the style of: Song #258
Sample lyric: "Not as good as song 211 / but better than song 354 / song 355 / is Weezer heaven."